I really don’t care for those days when the heart is just plain ol’ determined to grieve without you giving it permission. Ever have those days? While I can pinpoint some triggers, I just can’t understand the depth or the determination for it to stay there and not want to respond to laughter and hope and the clear hand of God on my life.
My husband and I are separated. Have been for about two months now. Today is his birthday. This time a year ago, life looked very different than it does today. I miss that man. I am grieving. And I don’t know what to do.
My kids are growing up. They are so big and so independent and becoming such beautiful young adults. Sometimes I just miss the days when I could load all six into the van and head out for a great adventure and they all loved to go with me. We had so much fun even in the face of adversity and trials. And while I love seeing them grow into their own unique beings, sometimes I long to wrap them in my arms and hug them close and sing them songs and there be no embarrassment for them to be cuddled and loved by their mom. My heart grieves the loss even while it longs for their continued maturity and development. And so my prayer is that as the tears flow, so will wisdom and love and divine guidance as our relationships change.
I am surrounded on many sides with people I love who are so desperately in need of the loving, healing touch of my Heavenly Father. They are drowning in themselves and their pain and their sorrow and their insecurities and… the list could go on and on. I see their need, I know where their solutions reside. I know, but how can I get them to listen, to hear, and more importantly to implement the Word of God that is being spoken directly to them. I try, but the blindness and the deception continue. It grieves my heart. Lord, show me the way, be the Light that shines through me.
The Lord is clearly moving on my heart to follow Him in obedience and open my heart and my mind and my willingness to move forward with a ministry vision He has been revealing to me over the last few years. This ministry has to do with a burning passion in my spirit, but I can tell you in no uncertain terms, I feel completely and totally incompetent for this calling. I need more faith and for my focus to be riveted to my Lord and Master. But there is fear and uncertainty, what if I disappoint Him and fall flat on my face and utterly fail? I am grieving, but at least I know where the answer lies. I know my part is to walk in faith.
I am grateful for my friends. I am grateful for my family. I am grateful for where the Lord has me and His constant reminders that HE WILL NEVER FAIL ME! His faithfulness never has and never will depend on me or anything I do or don’t do.
So, even though right now it’s just plain tough, and my heart is grieving, I KNOW IN WHOM I BELIEVE AND I KNOW HE IS ABLE TO DO WHAT HE HAS PROMISED!!! I am safe in His arms, being molded by His hands. I will be brought to completion through the completed work of His glorious Son! So, rise up ol’ heart! Grieve if you must, but keep your focus on the Almighty, Creator of the universe, the Great Physician, the Wonderful Counselor, the Blessed Savior. Focus and walk in faith with absolute confidence in Him alone! Hallelujah! Thank You for Your unfathomable LOVE and JOY!