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“But when they measure themselves by one another and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding.” 2 Corinthians 10:12

Today… I find myself alone in our house… missing… my husband who is out hunting, my daughter who was just here for a visit, my Mama who headed back home after her visit with us just a week ago, my precious dog given to a grieving friend and just sent off by himself on a plane, even my voice and the Sound that is uniquely mine, which often gets lost in the busyness of life and leaves me with the temptation to compare myself to others ~ to those whose lives I see as successful and full of what I long to do and say and share.

Balfour Ferry with Mama

This morning… I chose to slow down… to pay attention… to listen… to see… to rise up and speak out my truth ~ to release the light I hold to join with the light of others so that together our lights can be surrendered into the Greater Light and bring the revelation of Holy Trinity in greater measure!

Perhaps, at least it is my hope, my processing and my journey can be of encouragement to you!

Good morning, Lord. I am feeling at a loss, not understanding what is going on inside me ~ in the swirl of thoughts, fears, feelings, uncertainties… ALL of it! I need Your wisdom revelation ~ and so I choose to ponder… to trust… to reach into all that is stored up in my heart, my own pensieve, and I choose to not make judgment, to not lean on my own understanding to make sense of it all. Rather, I choose to look to YOU! And to offer my self the judgment of mercy IN this struggle ~ this time of transition upon transition ~ and to honor myself as I walk through my own birthpains into new life.

Come! Reveal Yourself in my struggle ~ in how I come to terms with the loneliness of being in this home alone by myself, in the quietness that descends upon me like a wet blanket, as I go from a wonderful, full house that has been filled with the excitement of new experiences with loved ones and connecting on a deeper level to being completely alone and feeling the weight of the miles that separate me from family and dear friends.

I choose to stay ~ on every level ~ to stand. I choose to stay with myself and my experience of the sorrow and the longing I feel for my children, for those I love so dearly, who are scattered across this continent and across the globe. I choose to stay with this new sense of deeply missing my husband while he is away from this house, our home. I choose to stay with and allow myself to feel the fear that gnaws at me, telling me I have missed the boat of opportunity to release who I am into the world, to tell my story and have it make a difference, to do what I long to do ~ what I have always felt deep inside I am meant to do, that I have allowed life and busyness and surviving to disqualify me from being heard. Yes, even that I have allowed the protective hiding of my ‘too-much-ness’ to turn me into ‘not-enough’ and ‘too little, too late, you’ve missed the boat.

But GOD… that is not who I know YOU to be! As I lean into YOU ~ I know better, because I know You ~ Your character, Your nature, Your ways! And so I come. I come to You to receive Your revelation, Your comfort, Your empowering Life!

As I allow myself to feel and voice my sorrow and acknowledge the reality of the miles that separate me from my children, my Mama, my beloveds all over the globe, I am able to also embrace the joy of the minutes and the hours and the years we have had together and the experiences that bind our hearts together.

As I allow myself to feel the loneliness of being in this house alone, I also feel the years of loneliness my Jimmy felt as he lived here alone praying for a wife to grow old with ~ for me! And I can sink into the intimate connection that makes us one… even in these early days of our marriage. I am able to recognize and realize the gift we’ve been given and the fullness of this ‘suddenly’ as I remember we’ve only known each other just over a year, only been husband and wife for just over eight months! The gift with which we have been blessed becomes palpable ~ alive ~ in this place and this time apart. And I can genuinely bless his hunting and his time with his sons and buddies. Amazing grace!

And… I can face the giants of oppression and fear and loss that scream of my failure as I choose to recognize the Truth that Spirit is speaking the same prompting all over the world… the invitation into the power of transformation in our own personal stories ~ our testimonies!

I can and I choose to say to the demons of jealousy and lack, ‘You have no place here!’ 

My God is the God of one family, one Body, one Story! And we are ~ each and every one of us ~ part of that Story.

And so… Brené Brown, Glennon Melton Doyle, Rachel Held Evans, Oprah Winfrey, Lindsey Diacogiannis, Robin Bailey, Becki Taylor, Janet Robinson, Laurie Dekleine, Marg Boyer, Lila Salmonson, ALL my sisters who I have ever thought I needed to compete with you, I’ve fought with my own jealousy because of your success ~ and ALL who hear the call of story and raise their voices in response ~ YES!!! I join my voice with yours! I choose to say No! to the draw of competition and Yes! as I release who I am with who you are to increase the blessing, expand the call ~ sound the invitation loud and clear… YOUR STORY MATTERS!!! 

Come and BE… real, vulnerable, transparent… shining from glory to glory! YOU make a difference when you choose to STAY in your moments, to feel the weight of the both/and in your experience of life, and raise your voice to give SOUND to YOUR HEART! Join the song of our unity in the Truth of our oneness ~ one God, one Spirit, one Body ~ the Body of Christ! We are one family!

Let’s choose LOVE!!!

Dayenu!

How would your life be different if you chose to look at every person you encounter today as a beloved family member? Those we love sometimes make choices that can be harmful, hurtful, detrimental to themselves, to us, and to others, but we still choose to love them!

Let’s make an effort today, each moment, to call each other into our Family likeness! And if you’re needing to be reminded, to learn or relearn, what our Family looks like… just go back to the example Jesus the Christ gave us… sacrificial, unconditional, radical LOVE! The love He knew from before the foundation of the world – the Holy Trinity Family ~ Father, Mother, Son, always intimately connected with one heart, one mind, one purpose ~ sacrificially preferring and surrendering to the One Another!

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